Nevertheless I Know In Whom I Have Trusted

KEVIN HARRIS

I remember the morning my mother passed away. My father gathered my sisters and I in the living room and explained that mom had been taken to the hospital early that morning and that she wasn’t going to be coming back. She had been sick for around three years by that point, so it was always known that this moment would eventually come. I didn’t want to believe it was happening. As my father spoke, I prayed silently to Heavenly Father, pleading with Him not to take my mother away from me. I was only 14 years old, and I still needed her. If He loved me, He wouldn’t let her die. My very simple understanding of faith at that time was that if I prayed often enough and believed strongly enough, I could prove to God that I deserved His help. But no matter how fervently I prayed at that moment, my mother still died. I could have easily taken that heartbreaking experience and decided to stop believing in the power of prayer or even in the existence of God. Thankfully, it kept my heart soft and allowed me to feel His love along with my grief.

This experience was the beginning of my maturing understanding of faith and the power of God’s love. It taught me that when God’s will is difficult to accept, He isn’t a cold and unfeeling figure expecting me to just deal with my pain. He offers His love in greater measure to help me through those struggles. I’m reminded of the account of the death of Lazarus in John 11. When The Savior finally arrived at the home of Mary and Martha, their brother Lazarus had already been dead for four days. Both sisters expressed the same concern: “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.” To me, this statement is filled with a mix of frustration, grief, anger, confusion and exhaustion. “Where were you when we needed you?” Even though The Savior knew what the outcome would be, and that Lazarus would soon be raised from the dead, He didn’t chastise His friends for not understanding the fullness of His power. He didn’t tell Mary and Martha to stop feeling their pain. In fact, He felt their pain with them as we are told in verse 35 “Jesus wept”.

As I accepted my mother’s death, I believe that Jesus wept with me. Peace and pain can coexist during such times. That is when the love of God, through our Savior Jesus Christ, is most needed. In moments like that I picture the Savior holding me in His arms and saying “I know this is so painful for you right now. I will feel your pain with you if you let me. Then when you are ready, I will help you through it.” I have found that the best way to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father is to remember all the past examples He has given me of His love. The more I experience His love, the more I trust Him, and the more I trust Him, the more capable I am to do what He asks of me.

One of the most difficult things He asked of me was to come out as one of His gay sons. For many years I had been filled with fear at the possibility that I was gay. I had pleaded with God many times to take my attractions for men away, but He didn’t. As I slowly began to accept my sexuality, it was difficult for me to understand what my future would look like. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone because I didn’t fully understand how to express what I was going through. Eventually, keeping my struggles with self-acceptance all to myself was no longer an option. I began to feel gentle but powerful promptings that it was time to start the coming out process. It was terrifying, but I knew it was what I needed to do. I relied heavily on my past experiences with God to give me the strength to take each small step. My mantra became “I love you Heavenly Father, and I know you love me. So, I’ll trust you.” Each step provided more understanding, more strength, more courage and more faith. By walking into the darkness of the unknown with only the light of His love to guide me, I was led to amazing people who had similar experiences to mine. I was able to share my story with others and be an answer to their prayers. Because of God’s love for me, I was able to feel love for myself, especially for those parts of myself that used to make no sense to me. 

Some aspects of my life, if I try to handle them on my own, will cause me to end up in a very unhealthy mindset. I’ve found that I can ask God to hold onto those things that I’m just not able to carry on my own right now. I can tell Him, “This feels like something you know more about than I do, so I’m going to let you carry it until you know I’m ready for it.” It has been very liberating to put my future in God’s hands rather than trying to figure it all out right now. I am so grateful that through the love of God I too can declare as Nephi declared:

 “…nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness...He hath filled me with His love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto The Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise Thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in Thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation. O Lord, I have trusted in Thee, and I will trust in Thee forever.”

2 Nephi 4: 19, 20, 21, 30, 34